Tim here with some thoughts / musings from Jaden's baba.
April 21st was the three month anniversary of meeting Jaden (on Jan 21st, 2013) but as I was looking back over my old calendar from 2012 I realized that April 21st is an important date on its own merits.
On April 21, 2012 I handed over my selfishness to God and became truly open to His guidance about adoption.
But first, some of the back-story.
Tracy had mentioned adoption sometime in 2011 and I had pretty much shown no interest (scary, in retrospect!). As always, Tracy showed great wisdom. Her approach ... let it lie, and let God do the work. :-)
I had not given adoption any more thought until 2012 when I started having some stirrings in my own heart. My response was actually to try to argue with God and to explain why adoption was not the right thing for us to do. Again, in retrospect, scary. And a bit shaming in that most of my "logic" was based on the fact that we were so blessed with two wonderful kids, a loving marriage, stable and enjoyable jobs, etc. Why would we want to take a chance on messing that up? (If you want to know my opinion on those arguments right now, I can sum it up in one word ... "sick")
Anyway, in early 2012 the Holy Spirit starting working on me a bit, and after a while I realized that perhaps this wasn't just some crazy idea or some whim, but maybe it was something that was in God's will for our lives. As I became more open to the idea of adoption there were lots of "coincidences" and "just so happens" that occurred.
One of them was that Tracy, Mitch, my mom and I went to see Steven Curtis Chapman (SCC) in Tulsa. While waiting to go into the concert I looked over at the T-shirt stand outside the auditorium, and there was a shirt that believe it or not changed my life. Josh Wilson was also on tour with SCC, and the title of one of Josh's songs was printed on one of the T-shirts. I had never heard the song, but my life and my heart began to change when I saw the shirt. It simply said "I REFUSE TO DO NOTHING"
Wow.
Even sitting here more than one year later, I can remember how I was standing, how I felt, and all kinds of details about the moment in time when I saw that shirt. It was like an arrow of conviction, but it was also a spark of life to my soul.
Try "I REFUSE TO DO NOTHING" on when the Spirit has already been working on you. Just the title of the song should be enough. But then listen to it, and hear the lyrics. Wow again. (the lyrics are at the end of this blog entry, and the link below takes you to a Youtube video of the song)
I REFUSE VIDEO (WITH LYRICS) ON YOUTUBE (if an ad pops up you can click to skip it after a few seconds)
Then follow that up with the video that SCC showed in his concert. For those of you who don't know, SCC has been a major advocate for international adoption for many years. I had seen him several times in concert and knew that he showed a video about adoption during his shows. I had seen it several times. My response each time ... gee, someone needs to do something (but always someone else). However, I had never seen one of those videos with the Holy Spirit working on me about adoption! Needless to say, it was a very different experience, and it really affected me. (Incidentally, later when we decided to adopt and we told my mom, her response was "I had a feeling that you would adopt when we were at the concert.") :-)
So I had received the message loud and clear, and I had really started to be more open on the inside, but still I kept it to myself. I knew I was being called to act, but I kept hoping that God would change His mind.
It was a few weeks later that April 21, 2012 rolled around, and after that resistance was futile ... but blessedly I didn't want to resist any more!!
I was attending a Walk to Emmaus weekend on that date. Being there gave me an opportunity to spend 72 hours away from the noise and bustle of the world, away from my normal routine, etc. It gave me an opportunity to spend some time really listening to God, and it took away some of my ability to dodge what He wanted to say to me.
The conviction was so strong that day, and His message so clear, that I made a pledge to God to give up my selfishness and self-centeredness and to be truly open to His leading us towards adopting. This was not an out-of-the-blue decision, but rather the culmination of many many weeks of God's leading me.
That same night (April 21, 2012), Tracy attended a talk that was given by a lady who shared her experiences with ... you guessed it ... Chinese orphanages.
When I got home we talked about adoption and about what this might mean for us and our family. Well, just to make sure we weren't so stupid that we missed it, God sent our friend Gael to invite us to her home for dinner that week. Umm, yeah, she and her husband had adopted a child from China three years ago.
Gael has been a strong advocate for adoption since she brought their daughter home. I had heard her many times discussing adoption and the plight of orphans. Little did I know that God was using her to prepare us to act.
(And to make things more interesting, we later found out that Gael arrived in China to pick up her daughter on the SAME DAY in 2009 that Jaden was abandoned.) (cue the Twilight Zone music)
Well, by the time dinner was over that night it was a done deal in our hearts, and we were ready to move forward. We talked it over with Laura and Mitch and each person in the family had veto power, but all four of us wanted to take this leap of faith.
On April 28, 2012 Tracy saw Jaden's picture online for the first time ... but more to come on that in a future post.
For now, he is snoozing away getting ready for another day with his forever family, and I am thanking God yet again for not giving up on me.
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I REFUSE TO DO NOTHING by Josh Wilson
Sometimes I, I just wanna close my eyes
And act like everyone's alright
When I know they're not
This world needs God
But it's easier to stand and watch
I could say a prayer and just move on
Like nothing's wrong
But I refuse
'Cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh I could choose not to move but I refuse
I can hear the least of these
Crying out so desperately
And I know we are the hands and feet of You, oh God
So if You say move, it's time for me to follow through
And do what I was made to do
And show them who you are
'Cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh I could choose not to move
But I refuse to stand and watch the weary and lost cry out for help
I refuse to turn my back and try and act like all is well
I refuse to stay unchanged, to wait another day to die to myself
I refuse to make one more excuse
'Cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh I could choose not to move but I refuse
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Thank you, Lord
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